Week 18 2026

I organized my downloads folder on my computer. There was some really old stuff there, like a pregnancy certificate and a birth wish list. I also found a PDF of a really interesting book—God knows where I downloaded it from. It’s called An Unknown Life of Jesus Christ. I started reading it and I definitely want to finish it, but not today, as I already have plenty of other things to do—or at least it feels like I do.

I really want to keep up with this diary idea: writing down my thoughts, recent happenings, and publishing them on my website. I’ve done the first part, and I really want to continue, but something inside me is trying hard to block it. Like today—I started organizing folders on my computer instead of immediately writing. But now I feel good about that too. There is still plenty to arrange, and this isn’t even the first step, since I had already started organizing other folders before. Still, I feel like I’ve done something important. And it feels like it’s part of this inner blockage. When I organize those files, I start to feel more free.

Another annoying thing happened today. I found out that my new bank account wasn’t updated in my employer’s system, and my salary went to my old bank account, which I closed yesterday. It was in my plan to close it in April, and I did everything according to plan—everything should have been sorted out—but something went wrong. I called my boss immediately this morning, and she promised to sort it out as soon as possible. I guess I will get the money, just with some delay. At least I hope so.

I’ve done a lot of things this month according to my plan, but the major spring cleaning of the house didn’t really happen, and neither did keeping up with Instagram. I just can’t get to it.

And I feel like when I am at home and Yarden is also home, I basically can’t do anything that takes more than 10 minutes. That is really frustrating.

But last Saturday I went to our village meeting and offered to find out prices for T-shirts for the 100-year celebration this summer. I also offered to do massages during the summer fair days.

The wind has been completely crazy in the last couple of days. I could almost not get out of the house, and I guess it’s not helping my emotional state either.

This morning I felt like I didn’t do anything significant this month, but then I checked my plan for April and realized I actually washed and cleaned the car, put my massage stickers on it (they had been waiting since January), sent job applications, closed the old bank account (facepalm), and we took a family trip at the beginning of the month to the Moomin Ice Cave.

So it’s not that bad. And writing about it makes me feel even better.

I also had a pretty deep insight about how inner state affects outer reality. It’s interesting, because first I had this realization, and then Or sent me a video that discussed something very similar, just in a slightly different way. The point is: your inner state reflects your outer reality. I don’t know how it will feel when you read it, but for me it was a deep and meaningful realization—not just something I understood, but something I felt in my heart.

I don’t really know how to explain it properly, but I can describe it from my personal experience and point of view.

In my early childhood, for many reasons, my mom was nervous, unstable, and very fearful. I not only learned this pattern, but I also learned that my relationship with the world—and with the source of money (which is a bit oversimplified, but if you think of the mother as the source of safety and nourishment for a baby, then in adulthood the same strategy is often transferred to a job as the source of security)—was unstable.

So in my life I’ve often avoided stable jobs, sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. Only when I realized this did I start to see the pattern.

But that’s only part one.

The second part is that while I was avoiding stability in the job market, I was also desperately seeking it from the outside world. I was lacking inner stability, copying my mother’s relationship to safety, and chasing it externally. But you know what happens when you chase something—it usually runs away.

That’s also the reason I struggled so much with creating stable income, no matter how much inner or outer work I did. I was chasing something I didn’t have.

And then I remembered something that happened when I was 19. I was deeply in love with a guy who was very popular with girls. Even though we were friends, he wasn’t interested in me the way I was in him. And it wasn’t the first time I felt this way—I struggled with it through my teenage years. Then I had a realization: my feelings, my love, were already inside me. I didn’t need to chase anything or anyone. I could be happy because I could feel it.

And the suffering from “unshared” love disappeared—and never came back.

I never had to worry about being loved or not loved again, because I deeply learned that I am the source of my love, and I already have everything I need.

But at that time I wasn’t ready to see that the same mechanism applied to money and stability. It took about 15 years. Yet this month I realized that the support and stability I’ve been chasing—and at the same time avoiding—are inside me. I am my own support and stability, and I don’t need anything external in order to have that.

It was quite a relief.

And it really changed my deeper relationship with the world. Even when I feel stressed or overwhelmed at times, I still feel an underlying stability and calmness. I know I don’t need to chase anything. I feel it. I trust that whatever I truly need is already on its way to me.

—

Another thing is remembering to enjoy things no matter what. I know it can be really hard sometimes. But it feels like we often receive, in some form, what already exists inside us. So when you are stressed and afraid, life tends to reflect that back in one way or another. But if you find yourself in a scary or stressful situation and you truly accept it—if you say, “I will be okay even under these conditions”—then, over time, the conditions begin to align differently.

I have a personal story related to that as well, but I will share it another time.

For now, I think this is enough. I’m really happy I wrote it. I will edit it and publish it now.